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I hope you find something here to comfort your grieving heart. Please visit any time.
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GIVE SORROW WORDS
Give sorrow words, the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
Shakespeare's Macbeth, Act IV, Scene iii
On this page...
FEW: Focused Expressive Writing
The Wintry World of Loss: Grief and the Holidays
The Red Diary: Giving Voice to Your Anger
The Gift of Forgiveness: Writing the Unsent Letter
Preparing to Live: A Meditation on Death
Reference and Links to Learning More
E-mail Christine
The act of writing focuses your thoughts and feelings as you express the profound emotions of grief. If you need help with the powerful emotions of grief, or feel alone, please consider confiding in a trusted friend, grief counselor or spiritual adviser. Reaching out for support in your time of grief is an act of courage. Read more about healing on the Grieving Heart page.
If you want to write a note of sympathy for your grieving friend but need a little help getting started, please visit Grief Takes Turns and select Writing Letters of Condolence.
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FEW: FOCUSED EXPRESSIVE WRITING
Light griefs can speak, great ones cannot. Seneca
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Nothing prepares us for the death of a loved one. Even if the death is anticipated, it will still jolt our foundation. Grief throws us into emotional turmoil. Most grievers do not seek professional help for six to nine months after the death of a loved one, if at all. Friends cannot always give us the comfort we need. What can we do with all the feelings churning inside?
Focused Expressive Writing (FEW) is an inexpensive, effective way to cope with the strong emotions of grief. We can write down whatever is on our minds and in our hearts: everything from snatches of memory to accounts of daily grief and confusion.
FEW helps us sort out and identify what is happening to us. It also puts our thoughts and feelings in a safe place that we can go back to if we want. Writing down our personal experience of grief relieves us of the need to carry it around in our heads every minute of every day.
But focused expressive writing doesn’t have to be all about pain. We can also write about stories from the life of the loved one in recent times or long ago: tender moments, funny incidents, favorite jokes, or anecdotes that enrich us as we remember the one who is gone. Many friends will believe, in error, that it is kinder to never speak of the dead. This is all the more reason for us to write into being a dear life that has ended.
Focused expressive writing is safe and inexpensive. All it takes is pen, paper and 20 – 30 minutes at least four times a week.(*) You can buy a beautiful blank book if you want, but you need not spend a lot of money on your journal. A three-ring notebook, writing tablet or file folder with sheets of paper is adequate.
Forget about spelling, grammar or anyone else reading it. FEW is private. The challenge comes from summoning the will to protect your writing time from every day distractions. Turn off your cell phone and instant messaging! This time belongs to you and is important for your healing.
(*)For me, FEW works best with pen and paper. Word processors are impersonal machines. The act of writing is more intimate when my hand guides a pen across paper in my own script, but this is my experience of FEW. Since writing about the death of a loved one is personal, please use the method that offers you the most comfort.
Focused expressive writing is not the same as keeping a diary. A diary is a chronicle of your everyday life: what you did, thought or observed today. There is a random quality to diary entries because the writing usually meanders through the day and lacks a particular focus.
FEW is a specific type of writing for insight and comfort, done at regular intervals. You choose an event, thought, feeling or concern related to your loss and make it the first sentence at the top of the page. You spend the rest of your writing time expanding on the first sentence in whatever form it takes.
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Here are some ideas to get you started with focused expressive writing, but your own ideas and words always work best. Not all the partial sentences or questions will apply to your situation. Choose one or two from the list below that “jump out” at you and go with the flow of your immediate response. In no time, you’ll be writing about your personal experience of grief.
How has my life changed since __________ died?
What do I think about at 3 AM? (What thoughts keep me awake at night?)
I need help with…
I do not want help with…
The most maddening thing that people say/do since __________’s death is…
I most want to remember….
I most want to forget….
Real friends are…
I am angry about…
I find __________ irritating because….
The practical things I need to do now are…
My support now comes from…
I feel…
God is…
If I could turn the clock back, I would/would not…
My biggest regret is…
I most fear…
I am most surprised by...
My greatest strength is...
When I envision my future without __________, I see…
When I die….
I’ll love you forever because…
People who use focused expressive writing during times of personal crisis and challenge have reported modest, but meaningful, improvement in their overall health and outlook. How can something so inexpensive and simple work?
Research suggests that FEW works by providing a way to organize a narrative about a "troubling event" and the death of a loved one certainly qualifies as a troubling event! Focused expressive writing also helps us slowly adjust to the many negative feelings surrounding the death; and for most, FEW eventually leads to finding hidden strengths, or small comforts, however impossible or obscure they seem at the time.
Your journal of focused expressive writing can become a trusted friend in which you record your feelings, traumas, pain, triumphs, small comforts and insights. For most people, this is therapy enough as they make their difficult journey on the dark and rocky road of grief. For others, FEW can be the key to realizing that professional help or a grief support group is appropriate.
You can start using FEW at any time. It does take a commitment to write down your deepest thoughts and feelings about the experience of grief on a regular basis. When grief is new, you may not have the desire or energy to write. You'll know when the time is right to begin. FEW doesn’t work for everyone, but it is low-risk and easy to try. If it works for you, the benefits of focused expressive writing are worth the effort. This method of writing helped me grieve. I hope it helps you, too.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Focused expressive writing (FEW) can be used for any stressful event or challenge in life. It is especially helpful in coping with chronic illness. On this page, I have taken the idea of expressive writing and added to it in order to focus on grief and grieving.
Pet loss is often made more painful because others do not understand how deep the attachment to a pet can be. We hear, "Well, he was just a dog," or "You can always get another cat." What these insensitive people fail to understand is that we had a strong and loving relationship with our beloved friend.
No wonder the pain of loss is so great. Not only have we have lost a member of our immediate family but so many people dismiss our grief as trivial. If this describes how you are feeling, try Focused Expressive Writing to help you grieve the death of your beloved companion animal.
BACK to your place in the article.
REFERENCE AND LINKS TO LEARNING MORE:
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Smyth J, and Helm R. "Focused expressive writing as self-help for stress and trauma". Journal of Clinical Psychology. February 2003, pages 227-235
From the American Psychological Association (APA Online):
New Research Extends Understanding of the Positive Health Effects of Expressive Writing
www.funeral-poems.org:
Expressing grief through writing and poetry. Includes a large collection of poems and stories, info on how to submit your own work and advice for writing eulogies.
Above links do not open new windows. Please use your back button to return here. If you would like to open a new window, go to Internet Resources from the scondary pages below.
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THE WINTRY WORLD OF LOSS:
Grief and the Holidays
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As we wander through the wintry world of loss, we doubt we will survive the month of December. New grief makes us fragile and we are never more fragile, or human, than in the last few frantic days before Christmas. The need to be happy bears down. The pathos of the season overwhelms us. For grievers left with only their memories, Christmas is a time of loneliness and isolation.
One way to survive the pathos of the season is to write a holiday letter to the dear one who has died, or keep a holiday journal. Writing can help you safely express all the complex emotions you have surrounding the season and the absence of your loved one.
Here are a few ideas to get you started. Choose one or two to begin, but your own words always work best:
When I think of Christmas with you, I most remember...
When I think of Christmas without you, I feel...
My favorite Christmas with you was...
My least favorite Christmas was...
The best gift you ever gave me was...
I wish you were here to help me with...
It really bothers me when people...
I am grateful for...
I am not grateful for...
My biggest regret is...
I am so glad that I...
Things I don't miss this Christmas are...
What I miss the most about you is...
I will love you forever because...
You can write the holiday letter or journal any time, but you may want to make a ceremony out of it by writing it on Christmas Eve and burning it in your fireplace, or in a fireproof container, on New Year's Day. Or, perhaps you will want to read it at the graveside and keep it forever.
Advent is a season of longing and longing is a notable part of grief. If your holiday memories are painful because of your loved one’s negative behavior, take a moment to imagine how it could have been different. What would you like to have happened?
Write your perfect Christmas Day on paper. Read it out loud. What will you say to your deceased loved one? Imagine what he or she will say in return. This will not change the past, but it may help you heal hurts and misunderstandings from the past so that you can create a better future.
To paraphrase Shakespeare, the grief that does not speak will break your heart. Grief is deeply personal and your heart will let you know what you need to write in order to grieve. The word inspiration comes from the Latin word 'inspirare' meaning into breath or in spirit. Stay open to inspiration as you give sorrow words.
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THE RED DIARY:
Giving Voice to Your Anger
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It is no accident that red is the color of both passion and anger. Anger is a normal part of grief—a bridge of strength and energy across the abyss of loss. You are angry because someone you love has died.
Anger is progress because it means you are feeling the raw emotions of grief you need in order to heal. Please note: Not all grievers feel angry because each person’s grief is unique. Anger, while common, is not universal, so please don’t believe that you are somehow grieving "incorrectly" if you are not angry!
At a time when you need people, you may find that your anger isolates you because anger is so uncomfortable to be around. Your friends and loved ones may also criticize you for being angry. That’s their problem. Anger becomes your problem when it causes you to say and do things that you regret later and adds to your suffering.
Don’t suppress anger or let someone take it from you. Instead, explore it because underneath the anger is the pain of loss and the deep love you have for the one who has died. The more anger you allow to surface the more of yourself you will find. Mostly, it will be the pain of loss and your grief will change form again—not in circles going nowhere round and round, but in upward spirals of healing.
The following ideas may help you explore and safely express this powerful emotion of grief:
Keep a RED DIARY, your angry journal. Try to make an entry in it every day. If you don’t enjoy writing, you can use a tape recorder for the same purpose. Play it back to yourself. Listen to your own angry voice. You will learn much about the intensity of your love for the one who died and your deep grief.
Use the sentences that follow to get started but let your own ideas flow. Soon you will be acquainted with your anger and what lies just beneath it.
The best part of my anger is __________.
The worst part of my anger is __________.
I am angry because ____________.
My anger is __________.
I got angry today because __________.
Angry behavior is __________.
I fear __________.
I love __________.
The death of my loved one __________.
I am angry at __________.
I get angry when __________.
I first feel anger in the __________ region of my body.
My early warning signs of anger are __________. (I know I am getting mad when __________.)
Anger expresses itself in my body by __________.
I was taught that anger __________.
When I was a child, anger was __________.
I usually __________ when I am angry.
When I am angry, the people (or pets) around me __________.
Anger is good because __________.
Anger is not good because __________.
Constructive ways I have expressed anger in the past include __________.
Destructive ways I have expressed anger in the past include ___________.
In the past, I have used the energy of anger to __________.
I use the energy of anger now to _________.
I want to use the energy of anger to __________ in the future.
The next time I feel angry, I will ___________.
When I hear the term anger management, I ___________.
Professional counseling is __________.
I will know I am less angry when __________.
Review your entries on a regular basis such as once a week or once a month. Look for repeating themes or behaviors and anything else notable to you. In what ways are you changing?
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I like to write so keeping a journal is healing for me but it is a sedentary activity. Anger won't disappear on its own. If left unattended, it will grow larger and larger until it erupts. The energy of anger needs to be safely dissipated. In other words, anger needs exercise. If you have health concerns, please check with your doctor before engaging in physical activity.
The next time you feel an angry surge coming on, try one of these suggestions:
Destroy something that has no value. (You don’t want to regret your choice later.) Some people like the sound of breaking glass and buy cheap dishes at garage sales for the sole purpose of breaking them. I like to rip junk mail to shreds with my bare hands. Tearing paper has an agitated quality to it, sounds angry and takes effort. I also enjoy breaking pencils.
Scream. I live by train tracks. Trains have loud whistles. Sometimes, when the train goes by, I scream at the top of my lungs and no one can hear me. It is therapeutic. You can also scream into a pillow.
Walk, jog, engage in sports, chop wood, knead dough, bash a pillow or a punching bag, clean house, scrub the floors and walls, sort through your garage and attic junk or learn leather tooling.
Work in your garden if you have one, especially weeding, digging and hoeing.
Paint or draw angry pictures. Get messy. Use lots of red.
Dance with your anger. Put on loud, angry music. Any music with a strong, unsettling beat will do. Dance by yourself until you can dance no more. Really feel the music and express your anger.
If you're up to being around other people, (and you may not be for a while), join a healh club and use it on a regular basis. In some cities, the YMCA and YWCA also offer fitness programs, aerobics classes and swimming. Y memberships are usually less expensive than health club dues.
Write angry letters that you don’t send anywhere. Read them out loud with as much emotion as you can muster in front of a mirror or photo of your loved one. You might also want to read them at the graveside. See below.
Pound out your anger on the computer keyboard by joining an online grief healing discussion group. The supportive responses may surprise you. For a real life example, click I'm having a horrible day. Links do not open new windows. Use your back button to return here.
Breathe. Anger can literally take your breath away. Concentrate on slow deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose for three seconds. Breathe out through your mouth for three seconds. As you do this, think I am calm, I am calm, I am calm.
Confide in a friend, spiritual adviser or therapist. Sometimes talking about your anger with someone you trust helps put it in perspective and returns a feeling of control to you.
Create your own unique (and safe) expression of anger and go for it.
You may be shocked when the intensity of your anger is in direct proportion to the intensity of your love for the one who has died. Never forget that in grief you are angry because you deeply loved and now your loved one is gone.
For more on this topic, including when to seek professional help for a better understanding of your anger, please visit the Grieving Heart page. The navigation bar is to the top left of your screen. Once there, click Anger: A Bridge Across the Abyss.
RESOURCES AND FURTHER READING:
Fitzgerald, Helen. The Mourning Handbook. New York: Fireside Books, 1994.
Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth and David Kessler. On Grief and Grieving. New York: Scribner, 2005.
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THE GIFT OF FORGIVENESS:
Writing the Unsent Letter
He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.
George Herbert
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Go to Receiving Forgiveness
FORGIVING OTHERS
Our loved ones die and we are left to pick up the pieces. We may try hard to create a picture-perfect vision of our loved one, but some of us have unfinished business with the deceased: regrets, anger, or pain. Death leaves an emotional gap regardless of the quality of the relationship because it does not erase the life we shared.
Grief can be complicated due to unresolved conflict, regret, or negative history with the person who has died. Some of us grieve for lost love, and some of us grieve for what could have been but never will be. Most of us experience a range of emotions. Normal intense grief feelings can fluctuate between love, loss and sadness to anger, guilt and despair.
A little store near me sells small meditation stones with various words engraved in them: words such as courage, gratitude, believe, kindness, wonder, forgive, and expect miracles. They are placed around the home or office to remind us to practice that word or hold that quality in our everyday lives.
The trinkets sold very well, except for the "forgive" stones. The owner couldn't sell them, even at half-price. She told me that either very few people had anything to forgive, which she found hard to believe; or, very few people wanted to be reminded of the need to forgive and be forgiven.
Forgiveness does not mean condoning hurtful or ignorant behavior, but it does involve letting go of the past. Resentment literally means to "refeel" or feel again. It saps our energy and allows us to be controlled by another—alive or dead. Our unwillingness to forgive attaches us all the more to the pain of grief.
Forgiveness is not a weak or passive act. The act of forgiveness cannot be forced, but once achieved, offers the freedom to grieve and heal in the present. Giving forgiveness will not change the past, but it will assuredly change us, and the possible future, forever.
Is there anything we can do to make peace with less-than- perfect relationships after a loved one dies? I believe that writing “unsent” letters to people who have hurt us—alive or dead—can be liberating. By knowing we are not going to post the letter, we have complete freedom to say anything we want in any language we want.
Writing letters that we do not mail is a safe expression for the raw emotions of grief. We can become physically ill if we do not give voice to our powerful emotions. Venting the anger and/or resentments we have towards our loved one will free us from trying to keep our negative emotions out of awareness and under control.
Please note: The purpose of writing letters to deceased loved ones who hurt you in life is to move in the direction of healing. Going over and over a particular incident for the sake of repetition only serves to get you stuck in the past and gives power to your pain. The wound becomes the defining characteristic of your grief.
The letter writing described here is a means of letting go. The whole idea of letter writing is to fully express any negative emotion that you harbor so you can move towards forgiveness. We do not forgive others because it is the right thing to do. We forgive because it is the loving thing to do for ourselves as we grieve.
Try this: In the letter to your deceased loved one, clearly state what happened, why it hurt you and how you felt about it at the time. Describe the ways this wound has had a lasting effect on your life. What have you missed because of it? State how you feel about it now. Don't censor your writing. Use powerful language and say everything you need to say to this person.
When you can write no more, read the letter out loud to yourself as though you were actually addressing the person face to face. You may also want to read it to a picture of your loved one, or at the graveside. Put as much anger and hurt into the reading as you truly feel. After you have done this, breathe deeply for a while to bring yourself back to a state of calm. Do you feel differently, now that you have found a safe voice for unexpressed emotions?
RECEIVING FORGIVENESS
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Return to Forgiving Others
If we are willing to give forgiveness, we must be willing to receive it. If you are a woman, it is probably easier to give than to receive. Think for a moment how effortless it is to give someone a gift. Now recall how difficult it is to receive one. The same is true for receiving the gift of forgiveness.
In grief, we need to examine how we hurt our loved one while they were alive because regret over the past is debilitating to our healing. Is there anything we can do when direct reparation is not possible because of death? One method that has worked for me is to write a letter of apology to my loved one. Use a photograph or mental picture as a connection to your special person as you compose the note.
Read your letter of apology at the graveside, stay a while and leave flowers. If there is no grave, or geography prevents a visit to the cemetery, read the letter out loud while looking at a favorite photo of your loved one. You might want to light a white candle or place flowers by the picture. Grief rituals are personal. Follow your heart.
If you don’t want to write a letter, you can imagine a conversation between you and the one for whom you grieve: What would you say? What would he or she say in return? Would you want that person to be without flaws? Such a person would bear little resemblance to the one you love. No more than that person would want perfection from you. You wouldn't be recognizable, either. Love makes all kinds of allowances—and keeps on loving.
I recently saw a movie starring Robert Redford as a father grieving the accidental death of his son. In one scene, the aging actor asks his friend, played by Morgan Freeman, if our loved ones forgive us once they reach the other side? Freeman’s response: Yes, I believe they do. In fact, I think it is very easy for them.
From Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman, September 3 entry:
What are we to do with those nagging “if only” feelings that linger—If only I had (or hadn’t) said that. If only I had visited more often, or been less of a burden. Have they forgiven us, those who have gone on before? We have only our conjectures. But if death is an experience of consciousness, then surely it is of enlarged consciousness, of more inclusive vision than we know here.
Perhaps it is in anticipation of that enlarged consciousness, already drawing to itself those who are near death, that our loved ones forgive us with grace and compassion. And if they don’t, if the occasion just doesn’t present itself, we can forgive ourselves on their behalf, confident that would have if they could. All is forgiven, all is forgiven, all is forgiven.
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PREPARING TO LIVE:
A Meditation on Death
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It has been said that we are not truly prepared to live until we are prepared to die. Life assumes a greater meaning and purpose when we fully appreciate the fact we are going to die. Our death is real and will be marked by a specific day on the calendar. All the days leading up to that one assume a special significance. Time passes so quickly.
It is hard, if not impossible, to comprehend the end of our existence as we know it. To the extent that we can, it helps us to appreciate life and living all the more. A life review can help us make peace with our lives as we have lived them.
Once we make peace with our lives--yes, I've made mistakes, but I've done as well as I can--then we are able to make changes in our lives. It is also helpful to understand how our attitudes towards death and loss shape our significant relationships.
The purpose of this meditation is to become aware of your own mortality and the mortality of those you love. When you are able to accept your own death, and the deaths of your loved ones, as inevitable, you gain a broader perspective of your life direction and the choices you are now making. Priorities become clearer and change is easier to make.
The death meditation will not ease the pain of loss. Grief is an expression of your love for the one who has died. The meditation will, however, assist you in acknowledging death as a part of life. As you do this, you prepare to make the most of the time you have left. You prepare to live.
Find a quiet space. Play gentle music if this comforts you. Concentrate on slow deep breathing as you relax and let go. It may help to look at a picture of yourself, or your loved one, as you meditate. You can also use any symbol that is meaningful to you as a focal point for the death meditation.
Breathe deeply as you contemplate the questions. Let your responses flow. Allow thoughts to come and go, as they will. Images may appear in your mind's eye. Record your responses in a journal or on tape for later review.
Think about your own death as you meditate. To get you started, answer the following questions: What does dying mean to you? Are you afraid to die? How long do you expect to live? What do you most want to accomplish with your life? What is the one thing you wish you could do before you die that you have not yet done? If you believe in heaven, what do you want St. Peter to say to you when you get to the Pearly Gates?
Pretend you are writing your own obituary. Let your whole life pass before you. How do you want to be remembered? What are your accomplishments? What gives your life real meaning and purpose? Do you have regrets? What are they? Who are the most important people in your life? What will your loved ones say about you at your funeral? What do you want them to say?
What has been the most significant death in your own life? Describe your life before and after the death of your loved one. How has the death of your loved one changed you?
If you have not yet experienced the death of a close friend or loved one, anticipate how you would feel if a significant person in your life dies tomorrow. What do you dread or fear most about this death? How would you behave differently today if you knew the person you most loved were to die tomorrow? What would you say to him or her? Imagine what he or she might say back to you.
When we prepare to live with the full knowledge that we will die, we stop taking life and the people we love for granted. Our own lives, and our significant relationships, become authentic. Review your responses to the meditation at a later date. Has anything changed?
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My E-mail: TheGrievingHeart@aol.com
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To fashion an inner story of our pain carries us into the heart of it,
which is where rebirth inevitably occurs. Sue Monk Kidd
© Copyright 2008 Christine Jette. All rights reserved.
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